If anyone has thoughts, I would greatly appreciate them. I'm sorry its a long story. I got herpes I and II (and then soon after learned I have HPV) from a guy who knew he had it and did not tell me. I had been with the same man, my ex-husband, for 8 years, then divorced a few years ago, so unfortunately I was very clueless about STDs since I had only had one partner for a very long time, and my OB never talked to me about STDs. I was vey depressed from my divorce. I had never had a one night stand, but many people urged me to go out and have fun, have a fling, have sex. After over a year of celebacy, I decided maybe that was what I needed (yes, in retrospect, very stupid). I met a guy and the second time I met him I slept with him. He asked me out afterwards and was interested in more than a one night stand. We had sex 2 more times, but he didn't seem to be right for me for a number of reasons.

I never noticed any oral or genital symptoms after we had sex or in the ensuing weeks, but I asked my OBGYN to do a blood test during my routine visit, about 6 weeks after I had sex with him, and it came up positive for both I and II. I freaked out of course, told the guy I had slept with, and he said he had gotten it 10 years earlier and hadn't had an outbreak since then. He said he thought he couldn't give it to me with safe sex and was going to tell me once the realationship got more committed (but obviously post our having sex). I was very upset with him and also with myself for being so clueless and irresponsible. I had had a number of health issues over the years, and had finally gotten over most of them and past the worse suicidal days of my divorce. For the first time in a long time, I felt suicidal again. I didn't do anything, but I didn't want to live. That feeling in itself is pretty bad, and I'm guessing some of you might be able to relate.

I read up about Herpes for days and continued to get more and more depressed and suicidal. It appeared he was very ignorant (or pretended to be) about the realities/chances of transmitting it to someone even with a condom but also especially through oral sex without any condom or dental dam (we also had oral sex but didn't use anything). During that sressful time, I started to get very strange blisters occurring inside my mouth, not outside at all. Over the next few months, I went to numerous doctors, one of which was an oral pathologist. She took a biopsy of the blister and assured me it was something called "mucocele", not herpes at all, and that it was not transmissable at all. The definition of a mucocele is "a swelling of connective tissue consisting of collected mucin from a ruptured salivary gland duct, which is usually caused by local trauma. The mucocele is a bluish translucent color, and is more commonly found in children and young adults." In any event, I occasionally get these, usually after eating some type of food, but its very random. I have never gotten a "cold sore" or anything that remotely looks like a cold sore. But I definitely know about asymptommatic shedding, both genetic and oral.

I am single, divorced, and in my late 30's. I would love to find a life partner and have children, and needless to point out, my biological clock doesn't have a lot of time. Dating is hard enough in this big city; it was even for the year before I contracted herpes. I've been single for 3 years and haven't found anyone. I was on a few dates and horrified at the thought of having to tell a guy I had oral herpes. I stopped one guy from kissing me because I didn't want to risk potentially giving it to him. Even though I had no outbreaks at the time, I know there is some chance of transmission through kissing. Everyone I talked to, from friends, family and doctors said I was making too big a deal about it, that everyone has oral herpes and I should go ahead and kiss someone as long as I don't have an outbreak, which I've never had.

I finally kissed a guy I liked for a few minutes last July without telling him I had oral herpes, and I felt bad about it afterwards. In the end, we didn’t keep dating, for no reason related to herpes. I tried to remember what everyone said about herpes being so prevelant that it didn't warrant telling if there was no outbreak. Then six months later I kissed another guy. I'd gone a long time now with no emotional connection with anyone, and I liked this guy. But I don't feel good about not having told these guys when I kissed them. I have come to terms with not having one night stands etc. and getting to know a guy before I have sex, and I would never have oral sex or intercourse without telling someone first. I'm fine with just having sex with only the next guy I'm really in love with, but I'm having a hard time with the kissing and dating part. If I have to tell a guy I have oral herpes on a 2nd or 3rd date, I think that will bring up the issue of genital herpes, and frankly, I don't feel I know a guy well enough to tell him after the 2nd date that I have genital herpes. Who knows what these other people will do with that information. I respect the person who said they tell everyone before the 1st date, but I feel that is extreme. People and books on dating also always say, have fun on the 1st few dates, don't talk about serious issues. Dates are often over dinner, not in private places. How is one supposed to say, look I have herpes in a restaurant with a guy you barely know? It seems so rediculous. To ward off a kiss just seems to be giving a guy the impression i am not interested, but thats not the impression one wants to give if you like a guy. And some guys don't ask girls out again if they feel discouraged. Any thoughts on this subject would be great. Most of whats written is about what to do with kissing not kissing when one has cold sores, but my situation is not written about much - the issue of kissing if you don't have symptoms and telling someone. When should we ethically tell someone?

Thanks in advance.